The answer to my problems is movie-house popcorn
Six years ago, at that lowest point in my life, my biggest fear was that I would never feel happy again.
Then, my friends gave me some E.
And that was the single best experience of my life ever. Not because of the single-minded kind of joy it brought (although I was crazily high for 24 hours) but because it taught me that happiness could be manufactured. It showed me that happiness is just a certain combination of chemicals, not some ungraspable unattainable ideal. It taught me that happiness is inside my brain, inside me, not dependent on another person, or on the world-at-large. It taught me that happiness can come from the little things we take for granted every day– beautiful lights, the feeling of skin on skin, water trickling down my throat. It showed me that I could control my own happiness, that I could make my own happiness every single day.
I took E twice, and that was that.
I never craved for it again, because I didn’t need to. Now, every time I feel down, I just say, ok, so what do you need to feel better right now? A piece of chocolate? Ok. A short nap? Ok. Some cold water? Ok. Some popcorn? Ok. These little pieces of happiness are never out of reach.
And ok, that big-picture kind of happiness– I haven’t figured that out yet. Maybe I’ll think about that later after I have my giant tub of sour cream and cheese movie popcorn.