by christinady

Two nights ago, I was at the Dusit Hotel for the Eraserheads-as-Esquire-cover launch. Buddy had asked me to check his clothes and hair (he didn’t really need me;  he looked great). I had gone shopping with him for the first Eheads reunion concert; we also bought coats for their US tour; and we shopped for clothes for when he joined The Dawn. He’s the easiest person to shop for and with.  We’d be done in an hour,  tops,  and then proceed to take longer eating with Veda.

I don’t remember how this shopping thing with Buddy started.  I do remember though that I once made a Halloween costume for Veda. I also remember that one time,  at their old place in QC, my ex-fiance had asked him to be godfather at our wedding.

He was excited,  I remember, and dished out some funny love advice.  Every time I’d see him after that,  he’d ask about the wedding. Well,  the wedding didn’t push through. 

The first time I saw him after that break up,  he asked me about it.  And that time,  my whole life was a blur, so I don’t remember anything except that Buddy said, “I think he’s making a very big mistake.”

Fast forward a few years later and my ex-fiance has gotten engaged to that same someone else. I’m walking along Emerald Ave where my pole studio is located and someone honks at me– it’s Buddy, waiting for Earnest who is delivering her baked goods. I get in their car and we talk about my ex’s engagement and I say I’m OK. 

Now all of this I’m remembering because I’ve just finished reading Erwin’s piece on the Eheads, which is so much more than just about the Eheads. Erwin was one of those people who were there for me during the break up– I would always be at this place,  just lying down and not saying anything and it would be OK with him.  One time we watched The Bridge– a documentary on people who jump off the SF Golden Gate.  It felt appropriate at that time.

I’m also remembering because I came to love the Eheads because my ex would always sing Andalusian Dog. And the first time my ex’s band played with the Eheads was one of the happiest times I’d ever seen him. 

I also realize that until now,  8 years later after the breakup,  I carry some habits that I got from my ex.  Everytime I’d sleep over,  he’d play music until we fell asleep. At that time it was Elvis Costello x Burt Bacharach. I do that now,  and the playlist changes every so often but it always comes back to the Eheads’ Lightyears.

And so my ex was at the same Eheads launch.  I did not see him but my friends did,  and maybe that’s better.  We’ve never really talked since.  I always make it seem like it was a good thing, the breakup– I lost so much weight and got into pole dancing and my art career took off and I got to date all these gorgeous boys with abs.

It’s all true.  And yes it was probably for the best.  But what’s also true is that the pain never goes away.  It’s still here and during times when I’m not busy,  when it hits me,  it hurts just as much.

And those days,  it doesn’t matter what I’m listening to,  I will listen to Lightyears and for four minutes there is something aside from the pain, something beautiful.